As a middle-aged man I thought my sporting days were gone but I still stand a chance.
I could compete in the Enhanced Games.
It's the Olympics for people who take performance enhancing drugs.
If they also allow ibuprofen and Deep Heat, I'm there.
For decades we have endeavoured to catch people who cheat at sports using drugs and we still haven't cracked the problem.
The solution is simple: let the competitors do all of the drugs they want and see what kind of X-Men style freaky mutants we end up with who can do the 30-second mile.
Australian businessman Aron D'Souza is the man behind this drug-fest.
It's been taking place in Las Vegas, making the athletes the only people in that area to be using substances, give or take roughly everyone else.
There were 42 athletes competing in swimming, sprinting, weightlifting and strongman events.
Steroids are allowed. Human growth hormone allowed. Testosterone, fine.
They've definitely cracked the issue of trans athletes, so we have to give credit there.
The organisers call it "pushing the boundaries of human performance."
Critics have gone with slightly different language.
Lord Coe called it "moronic." Whoa! Don't harsh their buzz.
There’s a $25 million prize pot. Don't do pot! It'll ruin your performance.
There’s $1million for breaking a record, but seeing as you’ll be disqualified the money’s safe.
The UK Anti-Doping Agency said it "flies in the face of fair play," but you have to admit that it is fair if everyone is on the same drugs.
To be a top sports star already requires you to pay a huge cost.
You dedicate so much time to it you miss out on a social life.
Your knees won't last past your 40s. If you cycle professionally, you'll be getting an enlarged heart.
Your body will be pushed so far and your career will probably end in a torn tendon or ligament.
Why not let them ruin their health in this other way?
If sport is about seeing what humans can do, this is one way to find out.
The Enhanced Games is either the honest future of elite sport or a spectacular publicity stunt dressed up as philosophy.
But when you think about the possibilities of what CRISPR gene editing could do in this field, you realise The Enhanced Game is for quitters.
Who knows what I could win if they rewrite my DNA?
- Steve Allen is a comedian, broadcaster and author, for more from Steve, listen to his podcast ‘Steve N Allen Almost Daily’.
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