A humourous explanation of why Djibril Cisse did this to Roger Johnson

Your weekend dose of Premier League predictions for our London clubs

This weekend... Why did Cisse raise his hands, how ginger is Villas-Boas, the Play Actors Guild blast Tony Pulis, why so much 'Harry Redknapp for England' and which Arsenal star has signed a deal with a major toilet brand?

Read on and find out...

Blackburn vs QPR

Rangers striker Djibril Cisse has this week defended his decision to go a bit mental last Saturday, claiming that he was merely trying to save Roger Johnson from being stung by a rare, and extremely poisonous, type of bee.

Speaking through his butler, the Lord of the Manor of Frodsham revealed: "One finds it awfully easy to find oneself immersed in the sheer splendour of the garden here at Frodsham. I have become quite the entomologist, I must confess.

"Back in the hazy July morns of 2009, I must confess to spending three whole days stalking beetles over by the compost heap. One can learn a great deal from a dung beetle. The resilience of character to carry on despite such dreadful working conditions can bring solace to even the unhappiest of men.

"Of course, Mark Clattenberg was not to know that I was saving Roger for the Hiber-venifero Vesperinium, commonly known as the Winter Poison bee. Most people are unaware of their existence. It took me three years of experimenting with different strains of chomelia in the potting shed before Frodsham saw its first of these elusive killers.

"Roger owes me a great debt of gratitude. If one is stung by this beastly insect then - as they say in Hepu, Southern China - a million sunrises will not save you."

Asked if Harry Redknapp should take over as England manager, Cisse's butler replied: "The mind that is anxious about future events is a miserable mind indeed."

Verdict: 1-2

Everton vs Chelsea

The future of Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas was shrouded in doubt today when experts revealed that, yes, he is a bit ginger.

The Portuguese arrived in London last summer to a fanfare of expectation that he may well be Jose Mourinho Mk. II. However, an indifferent season has led to a growing suspicion that Mr Villas-Boas is actually a lot more ginger than everyone thought he was.

Chelsea fan Darren Canes told us: "Yeah, when he first arrived I asked myself 'is that ginger, or is it more of a light brow?', but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. However, the more points we drop and the longer his beard gets. I'm starting to think that Abramovich has actually gone and hired a ginger."

Scientist Joseph Walters revealed: "Yes, there's definitely a good bit of ginger in there. This means repressed self confidence issues, which in turn can lead to a need for attention, simmering resentment and an explosive ability to become enraged and bear grudges.

"Throw apocalyptic body odour into the mix and thats a cocktail of disasters for any football club. Just look at Alex McCleish's managerial record."

Verdict: 1-1

Fulham vs Stoke

Tony Pulis was today blasted by the Play Actors Guild, for suggesting that play acting has no place in football.

George Francis, talking to us from behind a bed sheet and pretending to be the silhouette of a lion, revealed that the PAG take any discrimination very seriously.

"My role as Chief Executive of the PAG is to encourage play acting in any walk of life. The scale is limitless, and can range from a child using the sofa cushions as a fort in some sort of elaborate game about medieval times, to fully grown adults dressing up like animals and rolling around in the mud at a music festival.

"Play acting is the essence of creativity. Look at Barry over there. He's been seeking inspiration for a book he's writing about Easter, so he's been dressed as a giant rabbit for three weeks and has a strict diet of just chocolate and eggs. It has really helped him get under the skin of the subject.

"The same can be applied to football. Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the greatest players to have ever played the game, has spent a large proportion of his career play acting - he's come up with more ways than anyone to pretend to be fouled, hasn't he?

"However, by not restricting his own creativity, he has also been able to come up with some truly wonderful ways of beating his man and scoring a goal, has he not? So, what I am saying is that if you restrict play acting, you restrict invention. Without invention, the art of football cannot ever progress.

"In short, I would say that Tony Pulis is anti-football."

Verdict: 2-0

Tottenham vs Newcastle

There is a growing suspicion that the UK media have this week imposed a gagging order on anyone with the opinion that Harry Redknapp should not the next England manager.

In the wake of Fabio Capello's resignation on Wednesday evening, Spurs manager Redknapp appeared to have the support of the entire country. However, yesterday a number of online blogs - which have since been mysteriously taken down - revealed some truly harrowing tales of oppression by 'dark forces'.

An England fan, who wishes to remain unnamed, told us of his experience: "I tried to ring up BBC Radio 5 Live to say that another short term solution is not the answer, and we should instead look to a more progressive approach where we build a young team with a young manager over a number of years - the approach that created the German team which embarrassed us in the last World Cup.

"However, as soon as I explained my point of view I was cut off. After that it got really scary.

"The next day I received an envelope under my door. It contained the front page of the next days newspaper, with a picture of me and the headline: 'This Man Responsible For Euro Debt Crisis'. It also contained a note, which simply read 'Harry Redknapp for England'.

I was then prank called by James Corden 14,568 times. To be honest, my opinion really isnt worth the stress of having to suffer of all that.

Harry Redknapp for England.

Verdict: 2-1

Sunderland vs Arsenal

Toilet spray manufacturers 'Oust' revealed today that they have signed Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain as the new face of their brand.

Oxlade-Chamberlain will join Arsenal team mate Robin Van Persie as a fellow patron, and Managing Director Barry Grimes is delighted: "With a brand, you can't just pick any old celebrity to help you promote your products. You have to go for someone who fits in with you brand values.

"At 'Oust' we are all about masking the stench of a terrible mess, and Robin Van Persie has been just about managing to mask the stench of that Arsenal first team all season.

"As soon as it became apparent that Alex was going to start sharing this responsibility, we knew we had to sign him up too. We've actually just launched our double strength version of the product so the timing is perfect."

Verdict: 1-1

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